Note: If you dislike reading dumb emotional entries about inner turmoils, please move your mouse cursor & click at the red box with a little cross in it just at the top right side of your computer screen. Appreciated. -
Very significantly, it's been a long time since I felt this way. I just feel so, SO wrong & I don't know how to salvage myself from this situation. Like, I don't know the reason why I'm feeling this way & I just feel like mugging the whole day & shutting myself out from the hell of this world.
Actually, I haven't been behaving like some depressed shit these days. Today was fun at the Science Centre. More fun as compared to yesterday's. Had good fun laughing alot & supposedly having retardedly low IQ because of a game, & fun playing at the shop there. Though lessons were boring but it was lovely & fruitful today. I enjoyed being with my friends alot, yayness.
However, that's exactly the thing that's making this problem of mine even weirder. It's not a moodswing, it's just that I feel empty whenever I get too much silence around me. I can't even listen to my songs properly these days, I've been stoning throughout the long train rides & I'm so full of thoughts I end up with a blank mind & argh, I don't know how to say it. The feeling's just totally terrible.
I can't feel happy when I'm home & it sucks because my mum would see that & start scolding me. What the hell lah. Is it wrong to be unhappy ? So what if she doesn't require me to do alot of housework, to do "difficult tasks" as she says? You mean I don't have a right to feel the way I want ? Most of the time she starts flaring up & venting on us whenever my grandfather goes into a bad mood. Bluntly put across, she's giving up a long-lasting relationship with her children just because of a relationship that could end in a matter of tens of years. I'm not saying she shouldn't be bothered by my grandfather, & that she should be unfilial & not give a damn, but she needs to know how to have her limits. Sadly, she doesn't. I think it's totally dumb. & she's not even willing to listen to us, she's already shut her ears from hearing facts & keeps insisting on her own memory. What the hell ?! I can't stand her anymore at times. I'm sick of it, know ? Now I'm treating whatever she says as bullshit & I don't even feel like crying anymore when she scolds me. Pathetic.
Alright I've had my fill of expressing what I've been holding inside & is unable to hold on anymore. I've already given up on myself, haha. I need to rest & wallow in some sickening mood for some time, before I pick myself up again.
Still, I'd love to keep the happy side of myself.
(I NEED A MOTIVATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.)
I wouldn't be missing my wish tonight, haha. (:
